You really coming over, don't trick.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
