I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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