now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
