I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
