totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
