She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
