i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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