It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
