New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
