i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
