i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
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I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
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some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father