So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.