I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.