I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.