my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
