i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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