We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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