I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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