Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
