I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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