This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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