it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
