saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
