Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
