I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
