Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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