I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
