what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
