you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
