I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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