I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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