U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize
