Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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