Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
