I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
