a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
