He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
