You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
