Your mouth is God's brothel.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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