On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
