You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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