is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
