Just fell off a train. Bad.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
