I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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