Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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