I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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