a queef is a wish your heart makes.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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