You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
