So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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