Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
