last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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