In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
