I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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