My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
