She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Reggie can tackle my bush.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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