My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
