On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
so let's talk penis.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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