i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
birth control should be required to get into college
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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