Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
