I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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