where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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