I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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