She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
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she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
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My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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