I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
